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Dance Teacher's Heaven
By Diane
Gudat
My fantasy for life after teaching
The life of the
dance teacher is much like a never-ending rollercoaster ride.
We struggle to climb phenomenal hills only to drop back into
the unknown. We travel through countless spirals and loops
only to fall through dark tunnels, which then hurl us into
blinding sunlight. We navigate twists and turns our entire
lives, sometimes hanging on with white knuckles and other
times throwing our arms over our heads with reckless abandon.
We scream, we laugh, we cry, and at the height of it all,
someone takes our picture to capture the moment. But what
happens when the ride is over?
The current press on
floundering starlets and rock stars who go into plush rehab
resorts has left me wondering why there are no fabulous rehab
programs or retirement homes designed for aging dance
teachers. After all, we have an addictive gene that deserves
equal attention and pampering. I have a few suggestions that
might work for just such a facility.
First, it must have
moving sidewalks or, at the very least, ramps. With knees like
ours, stairs are out of the question. Elevators will play only
upbeat show tunes, karaoke style, so that residents can freely
assert their expertise with lyrics. The PA system must be
extra-loud; dance teachers are in various stages of deafness
due to the occupational hazard of standing in front of stereos
their entire lives.
There will be no
exercise programs of any kind. We have waited our entire lives
to be fat and lazy. The last thing we want to see is an overly
enthusiastic 20-something with a perfect body in yoga pants
with an inspirational saying across the seat.
All rooms will be
private, but residents will be issued life-sized stuffed
children to scatter over the floor to simulate the hotel rooms
they have shared with countless students over the years. Each
fake child will come complete with a large dance bag
that spills on its own, as well as an oversized garment bag to
overcrowd the closet. A limit of no more than seven cats
and/or one dog per room will be strictly enforced.
Each room will be
equipped with a small stage, complete with a remote-control
spotlight for those times when the bug to perform cannot be
fully medicated away. Phones can be set to silent or, if
preferred, placed in a constant ringing mode that never has to
be answered. No newsletters or bulletin boards will be
permitted.
The bars (there must
be several, and the word must not end with the letters “re”)
must remain open 24 hours a day and serve specialty
concoctions such as the Shuffle Off to La-La Land, Rond de
Jamaica Rum Tum Tugger,
Put Me à
Terre, and of course, a wide assortment of Manhattans. Bar
stools will hydraulically rise after patrons have been placed
on them at ground level and will include harnesses to protect
those who have uncontrolled movement flourishes.
Only high-quality
entertainment with impeccable costuming and perfectly edited
music will be scheduled in the elaborate resort theater. All
residents will be issued microphones to allow them to critique
the show directly from their seats. Seating will be
available backstage for those who cannot imagine watching a
show from the front. All seats will be equipped with heat and
massage options.
There will be a
costume library with a full array of boas, canes, derbies,
tutu bands, and, of course, tiaras of all description.
Powder-blue tuxedos and maribou-accented gowns should be
readily available in all sizes.
Theme days are a
must! Consider “Modern Mondays,” during which all residents
wear flowing gauze gowns à la Isadora Duncan, while the staff
works from inside Lycra stretch bags. “Frappé Fridays” would
feature layered whipped-cream desserts on the daily chocolate
buffet. “Tiara Tuesdays” need no elaboration.
Speaking of buffets,
all meals will be served in all-you-can-eat style, with
desserts served first. Salads must be requested and will not
be placed in clear view of the normal population.
Arts and crafts
classes where residents can embellish their entire wardrobes
with rhinestones and feathers will be available. Special
workshops such as “Design Your Own Title Banner” will be
offered. This area will also feature a full-service Sequin Bar
to facilitate the creation of sparkling headbands, belts, and
legwarmers for those whose fashion sense is stuck in the ’70s.
Residents will not
be allowed to posses Lycra garments of any kind, especially
lime green or leopard print. (There are just some things that
Lycra should not be asked to do.) Some residents will require
Depends undergarments, and the unsightly lines they create may
be objectionable to other residents. Also, no stretch pants,
wrap sweaters, hand-knit leg warmers, or thongs of any
description will be permitted on the premises.
This no-Lycra policy
will also extend to the area in and around the elaborate pool
and health spa. Only oversized, full-coverage T-shirts and
knee-length shorts will be allowed. All varicosities and
surgical scars must be covered, and no dance studio logos may
be displayed on clothing on any part of the property.
Free full-body
massages with emphasis on the legs and feet will be available
daily, no scheduling needed. In fact, using the words
“schedule” or “scheduling” is strictly forbidden by anyone at
any time, for fear of throwing old studio owners into a
regressive panic mode.
There must be a
full-service beauty salon with a wide array of wigs,
hairpieces, and toupees, plus an army of hair color
specialists. No tipping will be accepted in consideration of
the fact that the residents are broke.
To assist with a
smooth withdrawal for those who were heavily involved with
dance teacher organizations, residents may opt to participate
in fake board meetings, conference calls, and grand
body meetings, held daily. Membership cards to clubs whose
names consist of abbreviations will be issued and
members can vote every day or run for imaginary offices
whenever they wish. Needy residents can create and implement
rules that will affect no one.
As a public service,
residents will be allowed to work in the Trophy Recycling
Center, where thousands of trophies and medals from overloaded
studio windows all over the country can be melted down to make
tiaras for deserving students who will never win one on their
own.
A special wing of
the facility will address the short-term needs of teachers
recovering from summer competitions, conventions, and
workshops. This area, open only from early August to
mid-September, will place teachers in a weeklong coma to allow
for full recovery from sleep deprivation. If necessary,
teachers will then be weaned off all stimulants,
antidepressants, and sleep-aid medications. Liposuction will
be included in the package to remove the new unwanted pounds,
as well as hypnosis to remove all memory of whining students,
pushy parents, and any desire to repeat the process next
summer. Financial consultants will then assist in
consolidating credit card debt.
During the remainder
of the year, this wing will serve as a retreat for the life
partners of dance teachers who need a catalog- and sequin-free
environment.
Seminars at the
retreat will feature topics such as:
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“How to get hot
glue off the kitchen table without ruining the finish”
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“Why do they call
it a recital when no one actually speaks?”
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“How much music
can my computer hold?”
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“What happened to
the numbers 9 and 10? My wife can only count to 8!”
If there are any
financial backers out there, feel free to contact my people;
however, be forewarned that there will be no monetary return
on your investment. Dance teachers are inherently broke,
especially in July and August, so we will not be able to pay
you at all. In fact, we will all need to be placed on
full-talent scholarships for the entire length of our stay.
After all, we have handed out innumerable scholarships our
entire lives. What goes around comes around, right?
Most of us have
worked for ourselves our entire lives, so we have no
retirement funds and only the most basic of healthcare
provisions. And do not even consider trying to get
compensation from our children. Some of them have been turned
into dance teachers themselves!
Anyone who
owns property with an ocean view and possesses a desire to
reward the most deserving professionals on the planet should
step up and make this paradise a reality. Leave
a message
on my machine—I’ll get back to you after recital!
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